Philadelphia -- Police are investigating the apparent kidnapping of internet personality Ass Monkey. Ass Monkey was last seen near his South Philadelphia home early this morning. Witnesses have reported seeing three men assault Ass Monkey and throw him into the back of a green Dodge Caravan. Authorities have refused to speculate if the event has anything to do with Ass Monkey's ties to the local Mafia.
A reward has been offered for anyone who can help lead the police in their investigation.
Operations at AssMonkeyDiary have been shut down until further notice. Please watch this space for future updates.